


Failed Him

by DestroyedConscience



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Thomas Sanders (Video Blogging RPF) - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Although he's not tryna lose weight or gain weight, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Crying, Depression, Does it count as insomnia, Don't believe me? Read the rest of the tags, Eating Disorder, Established Relationship, Even though it wasn't his fault, He's just really really sad and tired, Heavy Angst, Human AU, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, M/M, Roman blames himself, Sadness in general, Self-Hatred, This is super angsty no joke, To An Extent, a lot of crying, also to an extent, heavy guilt, idk tagging it anyway to be safe, if you force yourself to stay awake?, not a happy fic, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 00:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13260003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestroyedConscience/pseuds/DestroyedConscience
Summary: Now that Roman looked back on it, Patton never seemed truly happy. From the smiles that were a bit too big, to the optimism that had always seemed too persistent, it was obvious now that he hadn’t been as happy as he proclaimed to be.He just wished he didn’t have to see his love in a casket to realise it.





	Failed Him

Now that Roman looked back on it, Patton never seemed truly happy. From the smiles that were a bit too big, to the optimism that had always seemed too persistent, it was obvious now that he hadn’t been as happy as he proclaimed to be.

He just wished he didn’t have to see his love in a casket to realise it.

They had dressed him well. The suit pristine and ironed, the shoes shining and newly polished. They had even applied some makeup to his neck, to cover the bruises the rope had left.

Roman hated that this was the most peaceful he had ever seen him.

Logan and Virgil stayed beside him for the majority of the funeral. The only time both of them were not by him being when Virgil left for the bathroom, claiming the large crowds were getting to him.

Roman knew he was lying, he heard the sobs from behind the door when he went to check on him.

Logan remained stoic for the majority of the time Roman saw him, face stoney to those who did not know him well enough to see the veiled sadness present, voice only wavering occasionally as he spoke about Patton.

Roman allowed the other to say he was reaching a hand to his face to simply satisfy an itch, not to wipe a tear away.

As the casket was lowered into the ground, Virgil grabbed a hold of his hand, as though sensing Roman’s urge to just jump in with it. If the tightness that Roman squeezed the other’s hand with hurt, Virgil didn’t complain.

Roman went through the burial in a daze, numbly nodding at people who approached him, quietly thanking them for their condolences. He drove home, eyes as dry as they had been from the start of the day, his body not responding to the utter pain he felt clawing at his insides.

When Roman pulled up to  ~~ _their_~~  his home, he walked inside and immediately headed towards _~~their~~  _his room, house now silent. No music or singing drifitng through the air like it usually did. And when Roman reached  ~~ _their_~~  his room, he sat on the bed that now seemed so much colder.

And he cried.

* * *

Roman was going crazy.

It had started off as dreams, dreams of Patton and what could have been if he had been there to pick up one of his calls.

_When Roman was finally able to find his phone, stuck in Virgil’s couch cushions, he turned it on to see 14 missed calls from Patton. Wanting to make sure Patton was okay, he called him back, only to be sent to voicemail. He had though nothing of it, believing the other other man had just gone to bed, it had been quite late, anyway._

_Oh, how wrong he was._

The dreams had begun to change for the worse, and in more and more scenarios, no matter what he did, Roman would inevitably fail in his attempts to save Patton. Then they became solely of Patton, how he did it, what the moments beforehand were like; Patton crying as he held the phone to his ear, begging for Roman to pick up, which he never did.

Roman always woke up crying.

Those dreams were terrible, but this, this was so much worse.

He was starting to see Patton.

From the corner of his eye, in flashes, in reflective surfaces, no matter where he went, Patton was always there. But this wasn’t  _his_ Patton. He never smiled, eyes always emotionless, mouth always turned down in a frown.

He blamed him. He knew he did. Who wouldn’t? Hell, he blamed himself, too. If he hadn’t been such an airhead as to have lost his phone, he could have picked up, could have been there for the man he loved, like how he promised to be. But he wasn’t there for him, no, had let Patton down when he had needed him most, and because of that, because of  _him_ , he was dead.

* * *

He was changing, he knew the others could see it. The nightmares were causing him to stay awake, for fear of having his loved one’s death replayed in front of him once more. The lack of sleep has left him tired, bags under his eyes. Every time he sees Patton he is overwhelmed with guilt, the hurt increasing with every flash of purple, every stoic stare from dead, hazel eyes. He wasn't eating either, couldn't get the motivation to do so. Even a bowl of cereal was far too much work for him to do. And besides, after everything he did, he didn't deserve refuge from the sharp pains he felt in his stomach as it growled, begging him to eat.

He’s so tired. Not just physically but mentally, the guilt weighing him down, making him feel heavy and just so, so tired. He just wants to rest.

* * *

It’s dark when Roman wakes, shoulders shaking as he sits up, sobs roughly raking through his body. He knows he probably looks a mess, face flushed a blotchy red with tears and snot everywhere but he doesn’t care. He never cared about himself when it came to Patton.  


“You could have saved me.” The voice is devoid of emotion as it breaks through the silence, although Roman immediately knows who it belongs to.  


Head snapping up, his sobs catch in his throat at the sight of Patton, who is sitting on the edge of his bed, the closest he has ever been, eyes still as dead as they had been last time Roman had seen him. The eyes that were once a beautiful hazel that looked like gold when the sunlight hit them just right now a dull, lifeless brown.

God, Roman missed him  _so much_.

Roman looked to Patton, tears falling from his eyes “Please,” He choked out, reaching for the man he knew wasn’t really there but he wished was, finally broken by the repeated heartbreak his own mind has made him endure “I can’t live without you, Pat.”

Patton looked at Roman, expression unreadable as he reached for his hand in return.

“Then don’t.”


End file.
